An alien in my own land

I am back in Pakistan visiting family right now. Though doubts have lingered in my heart since a very long time, this is my first time visiting family after thoroughly but privately renunciating Islam. Religion is pervasive in Pakistan and as a result, I can't help but experience a feeling of being an alien in my own land this time.

Though I have been forced into behaving like a good old muslim out of respect and concern for my parents, it has been an interesting experience observing the rituals and practices I once myself participated in as an outsider. Its been amusing seeing the almost hypnotic state of people as they go about performing their daily rituals, chanting the duroods and aayats in acts of communal devotion and praise. Its been amusing seeing the khateeb shout at the top of his lungs during the juma khutba, almost as if he can drown out the whimsy logic of his arguments by the sheer loudness of his voice. Its been amusing observing how the entire structure of religion and religious life which once seemed so commonsensical and matter-of-fact can come crumbling down once a few basic beliefs vanish -- beliefs which are so vulnerable to an honest and critical inquiry; beliefs which are hammered into us since our birth and held in place more by societal pressures and conventionality than any merit and coherence of their own. Its fascinating yet fearful to see the conviction and faith people have in such fantastic claims -- claims supported by a foundation far too fragile to support the enormity and implication of the structure it supports. It all seems so out of proportion.

I still have about a month left before I head back to Canada. I hope to be able to survive through all this with my sanity and those of my loved ones intact.

An epiphany

I have been passing through rather tumultuous times lately. Things have been uncertain and they have tested my inner strength and resolve. There were times when I was scared. There were times when I was down. There were even days (though luckily only a few) when I was so depressed that I didn't even come out of my room most of the day.

Going through this whirlwind of emotions naturally drove me to find a solution -- to make some sense out of this mess. And luckily I did have an epiphany. I found an answer which put a lot of perspective on things, which made me feel better, which seemed obvious in hindsight but which still caught me off guard.

The main source of my anxiety and fear was an unhealthy focus on myself. The surprising aspect to all of this was that I have never considered myself to be a self-centered person. Perhaps the only self-centered aspect of my behavior was my desire to succeed and be successful. Society often idolizes successful people, narrates their success stories and there is an implicit pressure on us to be successful. As we grow up, we often state our desires in terms of being successful in this or that, and that is all considered acceptable social behavior.

So, why is this desire to be successful an unhealthy one? For one, and quite obviously, it is not potent enough to get us through the tough times. Secondly, and much more importantly, this desire is mostly accompanied by an ugly and paralyzing companion: the dreaded fear of failure. And when things aren't going in our favor, when we are forced out of our comfort zone, that fear of failure can be absolutely crippling and debilitating.

The funny thing is that I have been working on a personal project all this while and I was actually excited about that project. In spite of that, the uncertainty of not having a regular job and the fear of failure often got the better of me. Even though I dreaded feeling that way, it was very hard not to feel that way every once in a while.

It was a relief when I finally found a way out. I had to stop focusing on myself and stop stating my goals and ambitions in terms of myself and lose and consume myself in what I was passionate about. As simple and obvious as that sounds, it had become less and less obvious to me as I had grown up. It took an uncertain situation and a very real possibility of failure to drive this point back home.

Living a self-centered life is one of the most boring and depressing ways to live one's life. While no one wants to live such a life, what was surprising to me was how I was partly living such a life without even realizing it. Now that the realization has been achieved, I can finally start to nurture the child within me. The child who is least concerned about himself and who is lost and one with the world he finds himself in.

The handshake of susceptibility

A friend narrated an incident recently where a bunch of people came up to him inquiring about the best place for currency exchange. The interaction started conventionally with a warm handshake. Then -- almost as if he had gone totally crazy -- my friend took out his wallet and handed over Rs. 7K to them upon their suggestion. A part of him resisted, sensing which they handed him back 3K but left eventlessly with the remaining 4K. It was only after they had left did he realize what had just happened to him -- in his own words, it was almost as if he had just 'woken up from sleep'.

Naturally, I listened to his story with a deep sense of skepticism as it sounded too fantastically absurd to be true. A little bit of searching however revealed that a mere handshake can in fact lead to momentary hypnosis of a person (here are some details).

If it weren't for what happened to my friend, I would have dismissed similar such stories as hogwash but apparently the human brain does appear to be *that* vulnerable and suggestible. And, the potential ease with which it can be pulled off is outright freaky and discomforting.

Yahweh

I have been listening to this song almost all day today. It gives me hope for a better world and strengthens my faith in humanity and the healing power of love.

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist no
Take this mouth
So quick to critisize
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

...

Reflections on the grief of death

Growing up, the death of a loved one was something I always dreaded and preferred not to think about. It was extremely hard to imagine life without someone you had loved and known since birth. Death to me was this horrendous but undeniable opposite side of life; it was extremely hard to even accept let alone develop the courage to face the potential death of a loved one. The promise of an eternal life and the possibility of a reunion with those loved ones was the only thing that gave me solace and comfort.

Fortunately, I haven't experienced the loss of any family member or friend that is dearly close to me. My parents however have had to face the death of their parents and several of their close family members. While their loss was my loss, I don't think I was completely able to relate to their pain as I hadn't developed the same degree of love and connection with them like they had. I was saddened each time however and did weep in sorrow along with the other family members. While the pain of separation is always deep and intense, I expected the notion of an eternal life and the promise of a future reunion to ease the pain, but it apparently never did. Now that I think of it, deep inside of me, I was always unsure of whether the notion of an eternal life had any grain of truth to it. It was only the violent event of death that managed to stare my precious fairy tales right in the eye and left me feeling skeptical and unsure. As an ironic result, my beliefs which should have made me feel better ended up making me feel much more sad and disillusioned than I would have been if I would have accepted the impermanent nature of life with an open heart and mind.

While embracing the impermanence of life has taken effort and reconditioning on my part, I do hope that it will enable me to accept the future death of my loved ones with more grace and dignity than I would have had otherwise. I do hope that it will make it a little easier to look back, embrace and cherish the lives of the ones precious to me and prevent me from nurturing potentially hollow hopes of a future reunion just to quench the thirst of separation.

Disturbing statistics

The Pew Global Attitudes Project recently released a report on the views of Pakistanis on extremism, the war on terror and related matters. The report highlights a healthy trend of more and more Pakistanis seeing the Taliban and al Qaeda as negative elements. What prompted this post however were the alarming statistics on people's views on the punishments suggested by Islam. From the report:

One of the ironies in the survey is the extent to which Pakistanis embrace some of the severe laws associated with the Taliban and al Qaeda, even as they reject Islamic extremism and these extremist groups. The new poll finds broad support for harsh punishments: 78% favor death for those who leave Islam; 80% favor whippings and cutting off hands for crimes like theft and robbery; and 83% favor stoning adulterers.

While these statistics shouldn't be very surprising given that most Pakistanis are rather conservative and deeply revere Islam, they still managed to come as a very rude shock.

Rational Smörgåsbord

I have been watching clips of A Bit of Fry and Laurie lately. While the clips are quite hilarious and gripping in and of them self, what makes them even more interesting is seeing Hugh Laurie (of House's fame) speak in his British accent.

I stumbled across the following video containing a series of clips of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie (though mostly Stephen) talking about their views on religion and science -- part tongue in cheek, part serious. Have fun watching.